Bar Jokes

Drat. It’s almost 5a.m. but I’m still on a post-talk high and have too much adrenaline coursing around to sleep.

So here are some really bad jokes:

An electron and a positron walk into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

Gold and silver walk into a bar.
The bartender yells,”Eh you, get out!”
Gold leaves.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says,”Bartender, I’ll have a H2O.”
The second one says,”I’ll have an H2O too”, and he died.

The bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.”
Tachyon walks into a bar.

Neutrino walks into a bar.
The bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve any neutrinos in this bar.”
Neutrino says, “Don’t mind me, I’m just passing through.”

A small furry mammal walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, our maximum occupancy is only 6.00 x 1023. We can’t have a mole here.”

Entangled photon walks into a bar.
The barman says,”I haven’t seen you round here before.”
Entangled photon says,”I’m non-local.”

Electron walks into a bar and says,”Pint of your piss-poor beer, mate.”
Barman says,”No need to be so negative.”

Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve bacteria in this bar.
The two bacteria say,”Hey, but we work here; we’re staph.”

A parasite walks into a bar.
The bartender says,”Get out! No parasite welcome in this bar.”
The parasite says,”Well, you’re not a very good host.”

Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings.
Pavlov gasps,“Oh no, I forgot to feed the dog.”

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks,”A drink, sir?”
The horse replies,”I think not,” and promptly ceases to exist.
(I would have explained that this had something to do with corgito ergo sum, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.)

3 logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender asks if all 3 of them would like a beer.
The first logician says,”I don’t know.”
The second says,”I don’t know.”
The third says,”Yes!”

A statistician walks into your average bar.
The bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve statisticians in this bar.”
The statistician says,”Well, you’re just mean.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a fourth of a beer.
The bartender stops them, pours two beers.

sin(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says,”Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

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